Yesterday we finished the last home study meeting. This one took place in our home, and lasted the morning. R’s Dad was met with for a one on one, as he will be living in the house and therefore must undergo the same process, back checks etc. Leading up to the visit I was conflicted as to whether or not I should do an insane cleaning of the house or would that look like we were neat freaks who would have challenges dealing with the disorder and mess that having a child brings.
Truth be told we did clean, but nothing over the top, a typical dusting and a vacuum. Our house is rarely “messy”, but rather we end up with a couple of spots where things are left until we find time to find them a home. So we found time to find a home for those items.
The visit with “Meredith” our home study Social Worker went well, and as per usual she made us very comfortable and took us through our final meeting, clarifying some points and asking questions about safety, smoke detectors, number of fire extinguishers and the like.
As we ended the visit, “Meredith” began to talk to us about preparing ourselves for the wait. She spoke about how this can be difficult for individuals who are used to putting in the work, planning for outcomes and then if you don’t see results it can become disheartening and lead to disappointment. She spoke of how this can be especially difficult for those that are accustomed to usually “achieving”. I explained that intellectually I get it, but I know that if after a year and our file hasn’t been looked at by birth parents, or we aren’t seeing results I’ll be heart-broken. I was being honest.
After “Meredith” left, R said to me “You do know that when she was talking about it being difficult for people who are used to achieving, she was talking to you”. I had to think about it for a bit and yes he was right. I am used to a certain formula. If you follow the steps, work hard, put your best foot forward at the end you achieve your goal. This formula has always worked for me in all aspects of my life. Set a goal and then do everything you need to do and you achieve.
I have enough self-awareness that I know I need to find congruence between my thoughts and feelings. When I speak of congruence I mean that what I think and what I feel are in alignment. I tell myself that I am prepared for a long wait and potential disappointment, however, I battle my inner feelings that things will move quickly, and we’ve done all the steps, we are going to match in no time. So I speak of congruence not fully in the Psychologist Carl Rogers definition, but rather that inner battle that many of us deal with which is how do you get your heart to listen to your brain and vice versa. What we think, what feel and what we do are in full alignment. Easier said than done.
Yes, I have been an achiever. Yes, I have been goal oriented. That will not change, regardless of the situation. What I can do better is be self-aware enough to understand that not everything is in my control, and that sometimes you just have to keep your feet on the ground know that you have done everything you can do. Trust in the process, trust in the universe and just manage the achiever in yourself.