Breathe. Just breathe. No I am not quoting Faith Hill. I decided to touch base with the adoption agency just to see how many times our file has been viewed by prospective birth parents. Yes it has only been six months, but we are half way to our annual update meeting.. so thought I’d check.
I’m not sure why I decided to torture myself, but I don’t plan on checking again. One time! Our file was viewed one time. I already knew about that one time and it was not a truly viable prospect.
Which I would have preferred to hear, “Your file has been viewed 6 times and you weren’t chosen.” or “Your file has not been viewed”. Either way you can’t help but feel disappointed.
No more checking in, and I’ll just continue to focus on other things to prepare for the big call.
When I told R that I had checked in he said “Why would you do that? We shouldn’t do that until our 1 year review.”. Well that was to be expected. R’s role is to keep me grounded. He went on to remind me that regardless of what news I heard I would have been disappointed, so why would I do that to myself. Sage words.
It is difficult though. I have the same challenges not looking for my Christmas gifts early. The notion of “finding out” becomes like a worm that burrows deeper in your head, and a voice that keeps nagging.
I have to exercise some restraint. Head down, plow ahead.